Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Christ, be All Around Me

*      *      *

As I rise, strength of God
Go before, lift me up
As I wake, eyes of God
Look upon, be my sight

As I wait, heart of God
Satisfy and sustain
As I hear, voice of God
Lead me on, be my guide
Be my guide

Above and below me
Before and behind me
In every eye that sees me
Christ be all around me

As I go, Hand of God
My defense, by my side
And as I rest, breath of God
Fall upon, bring me peace
Bring me peace

Your life, Your death
Your blood was shed
For every moment
Every moment

Above and below me
Before and behind me
In every eye that sees me
Christ be all around me

*      *      *

~ All Sons & Daughters, Jack & Leeland Mooring ~

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Freedom of Expression

"Abis nangis ketawa...Makan gula jawa
"Abis nangis ketawa...Makan gula jawa"

It literally means "after crying, (he/she) eats Javanese sugar."

Stupid song. The neighborhood kids used to serenade me everytime I laughed right after crying. Nyebelin ga sih?

*     *      *

As a kid, I cried easily.
Fell down from bicycle. Mom got angry. A friend hit me. Big bro raised his voice. Thunderstorms. Got lost in a department store. My favorite menu in Hokben's not available. You know, those things we all experience in the early stage of life. It may sound normal for a kid to cry over those things but if people refer me as the crybaby I must did it pretty diligently. I switched mode pretty fast tho, after I cried I could go right back to LOL (therefore the stupid song). I was just, hmm, maybe, emotional?

Btw do you know what's the anatomical term for our tear gland? Lacrimal gland. From that latin word, Lacrimosa. Wow. No wonder it sounds so...lacrimal. Not sure if this crybaby was born that way or my lacrimal gland was just that hardworking. But I knew this will stop, they say big girls don't cry.

*     *      *

As an adult, I cry easily.
And I hate it. Especially at night. Swollen eyes. Blocked nose. Headache. It is an ugly business. That's why you better be careful with your emotions before bedtime.

*but I did stop crying for years. I don't remember crying after 1997. Until 2002 (damn you football).

Anyway, when you get older you cry because of different things, mostly sad films (and football, still). And when you are a grown-up (or when you don't look like a kid anymore), crying is not the norm. It is often associated with weakness, unprofessionalism, drama, and immaturity. Crying adults draw strange reactions (or at least make their surroundings uncomfortable). That's why when we're not alone in our rooms watching mushy Korean soap opera we tend to try really really really hard to hold back tears, although it doesn't always work. Especially when you are born emotional, or your tear glands are just too hardworking, still.

No matter how I hate crying these days I cried a lot. In front of somebody. Of course at first I tried not too, but dammit, eventually (usually it doesn't take too long) I reached the point of not giving a damn. A small leak sinks a great ship.

Sounds like a drama. But, hmm there was no script, no cameras, neither of us is an actor.

It reminds me of my earliest memory of getting stung by words.

My dad hated it when I cried (but now I know that's because he gets emotionally affected), and everytime I did he panicked a little and tried to calm me down (yes he loves me that much). On a weekend around 20 years ago I got damprated by mom, and as expected, crybabies gonna cry. Dad came and rescued me.

After that mom told me. "Don't think you can win by crying,"

I got shocked. That was the first time I realized that we don't always see things the same way. I remember being sad because I never meant to make it a weapon, wasn't trying to win anything. I was just compelled, and if there's another option I would probably take that. But it's not a choice, crying is a reaction.

Oh I realize this story makes my mom sounds like a bad mom. She is not. I know people get tired if you cry too often. Ah this is difficult. Why do we have to get uncomfortable when people are showing genuine reaction? It is just like laughing from hearing a joke, reaction. Nowadays there are too many voices for too many kinds of freedom of expression, right or wrong. Freedom to express love, freedom to speak, maybe we should start a movement for freedom to express emotions (unless it's destructive)? Freedom to cry when you're compelled to? If it's genuine, why not embrace it? Why do you have to hide it? Why holding it back?

Because your mascara will smudge, you silly girl.